Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language
Cast: Zoe Saldana, Jordi Molla, Lennie James, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan
Director: Olivier Megaton
"Revenge is beautiful." So say the movie's ads. It had better be, because the payback in "Colombiana" isn't particularly interesting, and is ludicrous as hell.
Absurdities alone do not often derail a film. But a movie needs to work in spite of its absurdities. The ones that get themselves into trouble are those who mistake absurd for clever. Here is an action flick that thinks it's more clever than it is. It offers us an untouchable heroine who is never less than five steps ahead of her conveniently idiotic enemies. She's more exact than any marksman (which is cool) and can hold her own in a martial arts duel with the most intimidating of adversaries (which is cool and exciting). She can also wire an explosive so intricate in detail that Rube Goldberg would applaud it, all within a matter of seconds (which is pushing it) and can predict with absolute precision what her enemies will do long before they themselves even think about doing it (which is really pushing it). She can also conjure up anything at will--weaponry, modes of transportation, explosives--right at the exact moment when she needs them most... sometimes practically out of thin air (which is pushing it too far). The protagonist is so perfect that we never sense she's in danger. It's like trying to sympathize with Mighty Mouse.
Here's an example. In one scene, just as law enforcement agents close in on her apartment, she bolts from her abode, sprints down the hallway, rounds the corner only to be cut off. She turns, races around the same corner but encounters more agents; she is trapped. The heroine ducks back, crouches down. Heavy breaths escape her system. No way out. She thinks, looks up toward the ceiling, climbs up, lifts a tile and removes a strategically-placed assault rifle hidden in the ceiling. (Come on. Seriously? My suspension of disbelief affords me the acceptance that maybe she placed a weapon there "just in case" but what I wonder is how did she know exactly where she'd be cornered in the building.)
Another example. At one point, a government official (Lennie James) hot on her trail comes home after work, enters his kitchen, places a tv dinner in the microwave, starts it, then turns to see the heroine pointing a gun. She orders him to sit. He complies, after which she informs him that said chair is rigged with a pressure-sensitive bomb that will go off if he tries to stand. They have a little Q & A where each tries to extract answers from the other. After a couple minutes, she turns to leave while stating that "the explosive is wired to your microwave... when your dinner is ready, the bomb will be disarmed." (Are you kidding me? I don't even know where to begin on that one.)
This invincible action queen is named Cataleya (Zoe Saldana). She was orphaned at nine after her father marched into the heavily armed compound of a drug kingpin with evidence of said kingpin's criminal activity. I'm not sure why he did this; either it was the world's worst extortion attempt or he was trying to get himself and his wife killed so that their daughter would grow up to be an assassin bent on revenge and maybe even be the subject of a late summer action film! In any event, the parents are killed, Cataleya gets away, enters the US with her own passport (at least her parents prepared her), and connects with a relative (Cliff Curtis) who works as a hit man. He takes Cataleya under his wing. Years pass but the pain remains, even interfering with Cataleya's romance with an artist (Michael Vartan) that doesn't seem fulfilling to begin with. The clock is ticking on the revenge plot, as authorities--some moral, others corrupt--close in.
What you have to understand about a suspension of disbelief is that you need to care about the characters before that comes into play. The problem here is that the film bends plausibility so drastically that it makes it too hard to sympathize. Movies don't have to be realistic, but we do need a base level of credibility in order to care. Zoe Saldana is attractive and can act, though she's not afforded a whole lot of opportunities for the latter here. Director Olivier Megaton keeps the action flowing as rapidly as possible. The movie isn't dull, just ridiculous.
The problem lies with Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen's screenplay. We're asked to swallow too much. Near the end, the drug kingpin screams to Cataleya that she'll never get to him; she'll never find him. "Actually," she replies seconds before his demise, "you're exactly where I want you to be."
Ah, but of course he is.
* * out of * * * * stars
Absurdities alone do not often derail a film. But a movie needs to work in spite of its absurdities. The ones that get themselves into trouble are those who mistake absurd for clever. Here is an action flick that thinks it's more clever than it is. It offers us an untouchable heroine who is never less than five steps ahead of her conveniently idiotic enemies. She's more exact than any marksman (which is cool) and can hold her own in a martial arts duel with the most intimidating of adversaries (which is cool and exciting). She can also wire an explosive so intricate in detail that Rube Goldberg would applaud it, all within a matter of seconds (which is pushing it) and can predict with absolute precision what her enemies will do long before they themselves even think about doing it (which is really pushing it). She can also conjure up anything at will--weaponry, modes of transportation, explosives--right at the exact moment when she needs them most... sometimes practically out of thin air (which is pushing it too far). The protagonist is so perfect that we never sense she's in danger. It's like trying to sympathize with Mighty Mouse.
Here's an example. In one scene, just as law enforcement agents close in on her apartment, she bolts from her abode, sprints down the hallway, rounds the corner only to be cut off. She turns, races around the same corner but encounters more agents; she is trapped. The heroine ducks back, crouches down. Heavy breaths escape her system. No way out. She thinks, looks up toward the ceiling, climbs up, lifts a tile and removes a strategically-placed assault rifle hidden in the ceiling. (Come on. Seriously? My suspension of disbelief affords me the acceptance that maybe she placed a weapon there "just in case" but what I wonder is how did she know exactly where she'd be cornered in the building.)
Another example. At one point, a government official (Lennie James) hot on her trail comes home after work, enters his kitchen, places a tv dinner in the microwave, starts it, then turns to see the heroine pointing a gun. She orders him to sit. He complies, after which she informs him that said chair is rigged with a pressure-sensitive bomb that will go off if he tries to stand. They have a little Q & A where each tries to extract answers from the other. After a couple minutes, she turns to leave while stating that "the explosive is wired to your microwave... when your dinner is ready, the bomb will be disarmed." (Are you kidding me? I don't even know where to begin on that one.)
This invincible action queen is named Cataleya (Zoe Saldana). She was orphaned at nine after her father marched into the heavily armed compound of a drug kingpin with evidence of said kingpin's criminal activity. I'm not sure why he did this; either it was the world's worst extortion attempt or he was trying to get himself and his wife killed so that their daughter would grow up to be an assassin bent on revenge and maybe even be the subject of a late summer action film! In any event, the parents are killed, Cataleya gets away, enters the US with her own passport (at least her parents prepared her), and connects with a relative (Cliff Curtis) who works as a hit man. He takes Cataleya under his wing. Years pass but the pain remains, even interfering with Cataleya's romance with an artist (Michael Vartan) that doesn't seem fulfilling to begin with. The clock is ticking on the revenge plot, as authorities--some moral, others corrupt--close in.
What you have to understand about a suspension of disbelief is that you need to care about the characters before that comes into play. The problem here is that the film bends plausibility so drastically that it makes it too hard to sympathize. Movies don't have to be realistic, but we do need a base level of credibility in order to care. Zoe Saldana is attractive and can act, though she's not afforded a whole lot of opportunities for the latter here. Director Olivier Megaton keeps the action flowing as rapidly as possible. The movie isn't dull, just ridiculous.
The problem lies with Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen's screenplay. We're asked to swallow too much. Near the end, the drug kingpin screams to Cataleya that she'll never get to him; she'll never find him. "Actually," she replies seconds before his demise, "you're exactly where I want you to be."
Ah, but of course he is.
* * out of * * * * stars
